Dyslexia My Life - Dealing with Angry Child/Behavior Management and Learning Disabilities.
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Index of this Page: Back to Main Web Page - Plain Talk About.. Dealing With the Angry Child - Ten Tips for Dealing With an Angry Child Plain Talk About... Dealing With the Angry Child
About... Dealing With the Angry ChildU.S. Department of Health and Human Services Public
Health Service Alcohol, Drug Abuse, and Mental Health Administration National
Institute of Mental Health Office of Scientific Information 1992 Plain Talk
Series Handling children's anger can be puzzling, draining, and distressing for
adults. In fact, one of the major problems in dealing with anger in children is
the angry feelings that are often stirred up in us. It has been said that we as
parents, teachers, counselors, and administrators need to remind ourselves that
we were not always taught how to deal with anger as a fact of life during our
own childhood. We were led to believe that to be angry was to be bad, and we
were often made to feel guilty for expressing anger. It will be easier to deal
with children's anger if we get rid of this notion. Our goal is not to repress
or destroy angry feelings in children or in ourselves but rather to accept the
feelings and to help channel and direct them to constructive ends. Parents and
teachers must allow children to feel all their feelings. Adult skills can then
be directed toward showing children acceptable ways of expressing their
feelings. Strong feelings cannot be denied, and angry outbursts should not
always be viewed as a sign of serious problems; they should be recognized and
treated with respect. To respond effectively to overly aggressive behavior in
children we need to have some ideas about what may have triggered an outburst.
Anger may be a defense to avoid painful feelings; it may be associated with
failure, low ' self-esteem, and feelings of isolation; or it may be related to
anxiety about situations over which the child has no control. Angry defiance may
also be associated with feelings of dependency, and anger may be associated with
sadness and depression. In childhood, anger and sadness are very close to one
another and it is important to remember that much of what an adult experiences
as sadness is expressed by a child as anger. Before we look at specific ways to
manage aggressive and angry outbursts, several points should be highlighted: We
should distinguish between anger and aggression. Anger is a temporary emotional
state caused by frustration; aggression is often an attempt to hurt a person or
to destroy property. Anger and aggression do not have to be dirty words. In
other words, in looking at aggressive behavior in children, we must be careful
to distinguish between behavior that indicates emotional problems and behavior
that is normal. In dealing with angry children, our actions should be motivated
by the need to protect and to teach, not by a desire to punish. Parents and
teachers should show a child that they accept his or her feelings, while
suggesting other ways to express the feelings. An adult might say, for example,
"Let me tell you what some children would do in a situation like this... It is
not enough to tell children what behaviors. we find unacceptable. We must teach
them acceptable ways of coping. Also, ways must be found to communicate what we
expect of them. Contrary to popular opinion, punishment is not the most
effective way to communicate to children what we expect of them. Responding to
the Angry Child Some of the following suggestions for dealing with the angry
child were taken from The Aggressive Child by Fritz Redl and David Wineman. They
should be considered helpful ideas and not be seen as a "bag of tricks." Catch
the child being good. Tell the child what behaviors please you. Respond to
positive efforts and reinforce good behavior. An observing and sensitive parent
will find countless opportunities during the day to make such comments as "I
like the way you come in for dinner without being reminded"; "I appreciate your
hanging up your clothes even though you were in a hurry to get out to play";
"You were really patient while I was on the phone"; "I'm glad you shared your
snack with your sister"; "I like the way you're able to think of others"; and
"Thank you for telling the truth about what really happened." Similarly,
teachers can positively reinforce good behavior with statement like "I know it
was difficult for you to wait your turn, and I'm pleased that you could do it";
'Thanks for sitting in your seat quietly"; "You were thoughtful in offering to
help Johnny with his spell ing"; 'You worked hard on that project, and I admire
your effort" Deliberately ignore inappropriate behavior that can be tolerated.
This doesn't mean that you should ignore the child, just the behavior. The
'ignoring" has to be planned and consistent. Even though this behavior may be
tolerated, the child must recognize that it is inappropriate. Provide physical
outlets and other alternatives. It is important for children to have
opportunities for physical exercise and movement, both at home and at school.
Manipulate the surroundings. Aggressive behavior can be encouraged by placing
children in tough, tempting situations. We should try to plan the surroundings
so that certain things are less apt to happen. Stop a "problem" activity and
substitute, temporarily, a more desirable one. Sometimes rules and regulations,
as well as physical space, may be too confining. Use closeness and touching.
Move physically closer to the child to curb his or her angry impulse. Young
children are often calmed by having an adult nearby. Express interest in the
child's activities. Children naturally try to involve adults in what they are
doing, and the adult is often annoyed at being bothered. Very young children
(and children who are emotionally deprived) seem to need much more adult involve
ment in their interests. A child about to use a toy or tool in a destructive way
is sometimes easily stopped by an adult who expresses interest in having it
shown to him. An outburst from an older child struggling with a difficult
reading selection can be prevented by a caring adult who moves near the child to
say, "Show me which words are giving you trouble? Be ready to show affection.
Some times all that is needed for any angry child to regain control is a sudden
hug or other impulsive show of affection. Children with serious emotional
problems, however, may have trouble accepting affection. Ease tension through
humor. Kidding the child out of a temper tantrum or outburst offers the child an
opportunity to "save face." However, it is important to distinguish between face
saving humor and sarcasm or teasing ridicule. Appeal directly to the child. Tell
him or her how you feel and ask for consideration. For example, a parent or a
teacher may gain a child's cooperation by saying, "I know that noise you're
making doesn't usually bother me, but today I've got a headache, so could you
find something else you'd enjoy doing?" Explain situations. Help the child
understand the cause of a stressful situation. We often fail to realize how
easily young children can begin to react properly once they understand the cause
of their frustration. Use physical restraint. Occasionally a child may lose
control so completely that he has to be physically restrained or removed from
the scene to prevent him from hurting himself or others. This may also "save
face" for the child. Physical restraint or removal from the scene should not be
viewed by the child as punishment but as a means of saying, "You can't do that."
In such situations, an adult cannot afford to lose his or her temper, and
unfriendly remarks by other children should not be tolerated. Encourage children
to see their strengths as well as their weaknesses. Help them to see that they
can reach their goals. Use promises and rewards. Promises of future pleasure can
be used both to start and to stop behavior. This approach should not be compared
with bribery. We must know what the child likes-what brings him pleasure and we
must deliver on our promises. Say "NO!" Limits should be clearly explained and
enforced. Children should be free to function within those limits. Tell the
child that you accept his or her angry feelings, but offer other suggestions for
expressing them. Teach children to put their angry feelings into words, rather
than fists. Build a positive self-image. Encourage children to see themselves as
valued and valuable people. Use punishment cautiously. There is a fine line
between punishment that is hostile toward a child and punishment that is
educational. Model appropriate behavior. Parents and teachers should be aware of
the powerful influence of their actions on a child's or group's behavior. Teach
children to express themselves verbally. Talking helps a child have control and
thus reduces acting out behavior. Encourage the child to say, for example, 'I
don't like your taking my pencil. I don't feel like sharing just now." The Role
of Discipline Good discipline includes creating an atmosphere of quiet firmness,
clarity, and conscientiousness, while using reasoning. Bad discipline involves
punishment which is unduly harsh and inappropriate, and it is often associated
with verbal ridicule and attacks on the child's integrity. As one fourth grade
teacher put it: "One of the most important goals we strive for as parents,
educators, and mental health professionals is to help children develop respect
for themselves and others? While arriving at this goal takes years of patiem
practice, it is a vital process in which parents, teachers, and all caring
adults can play a crucial and exciting role. In order to accomplish this, we
must see children as worthy human beings and be sincere in dealing with them.
Adapted from "The Aggressive Child" by Luleen S. Anderson, Ph.D,, which appeared
in Children Today (Jan-Feb 1978) published by the Children's Bureau, ACYF, DHEW. Save money On DML orders, SpecialInternet Sale, see order form for details - Click here for Order Form. - Or order the tape, Dyslexia My Life from 
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